Dating in Grove culture
Date palmPhoenix dactyliferatree of the palm family Arecaceae cultivated for its sweet edible fruits. The date palm has been prized from remotest antiquity and may have originated in what is now Iraq. The fruit has been the staple food and chief source of wealth in the irrigable deserts of North Africa and the Middle East. Spanish missionaries carried the tree to the New World in the 18th and early 19th centuries. Dates have a long shelf life, and many varieties, including the common deglet noor, are often sold dried and processed.
How old am I: 26
What is my ethnicity: Senegalese
My orientation: Gentleman
Color of my eyes: I’ve got large gray-green eyes
My sex: Fem
I can speak: Russian
My Zodiac sign: Cancer
Although traditions of courtship have existed in cultures across the world since the beginning of recorded history, the ritual of dating is in many ways a distinctly American, distinctly twentieth-century invention. In the most general sense the term refers to the practice of two people exploring mutually held romantic and erotic interests through one or more casual meetings that typically involve t participation in some form of leisure or recreational activity.
Common examples include dining out, seeing a movie, attending a live performance, or, in certain special cases, engaging tly in some rare or extreme experience, Grove very rarity or extremity of which is intended to mark the occasion as exceptionally memorable or meaningful.
In modern parlance the term dating is often also used to refer to an extended period or established condition of exclusive romantic and sexual commitment between two people. Although there are no hard and fast rules governing the appropriate duration of such a period or condition, dating of this sort is widely understood to be an exercise in prolonged personal exploration through which two dating assess whether or not they are truly well-suited to one another in an emotional and sexual sense.
In other words, dating in this sense often serves as a means of practicing emotional and sexual fidelity and as an opportunity to test the durability of love and erotic attraction over an extended length of time. In the context of heterosexual relationships especially, people who are dating in this sense often regard the experience as being preliminary to formal engagement and marriage.
Of course dating often serves a similar function in the lives of many lesbians and gay men as well. But the fact that same-sex relationships are currently ineligible for federally sanctioned, formal recognition in the United States means that the term dating is sometimes used by those involved in same-sex relationships to describe romantic attachments of any duration simply because there is no formally contractual or culture legitimated condition into which such relationships can eventually graduate.
Given its considerable flexibility, the term dating has more or less superseded in common usage all other words and phrases in English that denote the act of engaging in recurring romantic appointments with another person. This is probably because many of the available alternatives carry subtle but ificant connotations that render them inaccurate or inappropriate in one sense or another. The term courtingfor example, registers as old-fashioned or archaic, whereas the term seeing registers as slightly tentative or euphemistic.
By contrast, the phrase going out with carries a slightly juvenile connation, possibly because it so closely resembles going witha phrase that has enjoyed considerable popularity among American primary and secondary school students for some time.
Since the s American youth culture has either produced or adopted a whole range of related expressions, including hooking up with and getting together with. But insofar as these expressions are imbued with a sense of vulgarity, and to the extent that they tend to describe furtive sexual liaisons rather than planned romantic encounters, they are in many respects more closely related to the dizzying array of slang terms that exist for sexual intercourse than for dating as such.
Because dating in the modern sense tends to involve expense of one sort or another, the casual, elective, and public nature of the practice also marks it, in some regard, as a decidedly middle-class ritual. Unlike the extremely wealthy who have tended to approach courtship and marriage instrumentally as a means of protecting or strategically augmenting existing family fortunes, culture unlike the extremely poor who have enjoyed only limited access to the money and leisure time required to fully engage in the ritual, members of the middle class have wholeheartedly embraced dating precisely because it accords so well on so many levels with the popular American ideals of meritocracy and laissez-faire philosophy.
For example, insofar as dating in the modern sense can be understood as a ritual practice in which particular individuals vie against one another for the purpose of winning the romantic and sexual attention of women or men of quality, dating is a competitive activity—one that mirrors the free market economy in a structural sense. At the same time, it is also a markedly bourgeois tradition insofar as those who have the means to engage in dating tend to view the ritual as being primarily about ostensibly apolitical matters such as taste and feeling rather than the servicing of particular social and economic interests.
Nevertheless, and despite popular resistance to the notion that dating primarily serves as a mechanism for sorting society into pairs whose individual members serve one another's social and economic interests in various ways, there is a general consensus that the ritual itself can be both highly rewarding and utterly exhausting in emotional, physical, and financial terms. In many ways the history of dating is merely one chapter in a much larger history of the rise of capitalism in Grove United States. Indeed, in some respects what most distinguishes dating from earlier forms of American courtship is the extent to which this culture ritual depends upon and is enacted through participation in various forms of consumption.
As noted above, dating in Grove United States in the early twenty-first century almost always involves purchasing something: dinner at a restaurant; admission to a movie, concert, play, or other special event; a particularly flattering outfit; or popular romantic accoutrements including flowers, candy, wine, or other small dating.
Although gestures of courtesy have probably always played some role in rituals of courtship in the United States and elsewhere, going out for the purpose of consuming conspicuously has not always defined romantic engagements in the way that it does now. During the nineteenth century, courtship in the United States tended to take place in the context of a largely home-centered and female-controlled system known as calling.
In this system, historian Beth Bailey explains:. Women deated a day or days at home to receive callers; on other days they paid or returned calls. The caller would present her card to the maid common even in moderate-income homes until the World War I era who answered the door, and dating be admitted or turned away with some excuse.
The caller who regularly was not received quickly learned the limits of her family's social status, and the lady at home thus, in some measure, protected herself and her family from the social confusion and pressures engendered by the mobility and expansiveness of late nineteenth-century America. For whatever its functional similarity to the modern ritual of dating, calling also differed from it in some very important ways. First and most ificantly, calling was, in one sense, considerably more private than modern dating. Despite the fact that calls were often complicated exercises in etiquette and social nicety, they were, nevertheless, private affairs in the sense that they occurred within the confines of domestic rather than commercial space and in terms of familial graciousness and hospitality.
At the same time and precisely because calls took place within the home, they also entailed considerably more involvement on the part of parents acting as chaperones than is typically the case where modern dating is concerned. So in dating sense calling was also a more—or at least differently—public experience than modern dating. Calling remained the primary mode of formal courtship in the United States culture the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries, when dating began to emerge as both a practice and a colloquial expression.
Many factors contributed to Grove demise of the old system of calling and the rise of dating as the primary form of courtship in the United States, but two factors contributed most: widespread urbanization and the advent of the automobile. Twentieth-century urbanization resulted simultaneously in a dramatic increase in the of unmarried women and men living within arm's reach of one another in American cities and a dramatic decrease in the size of their respective living quarters.
This in turn prompted American city dwellers of all ages, but particularly the young and single, to develop new ways of using public space for essentially private purposes, including courtship and the pursuit of sexual pleasure. Indeed, as historian George Chauncey has noted in a slightly different context, privacy could often only be found in public in many densely populated American cities during the early twentieth century.
For most working-class and many middle-class women and men, restaurants, cafes, theaters, public parks, and even public sidewalks necessarily served as alternative living space in overcrowded cities. Under such circumstances, it was almost inevitable that aspects of intimate life such as courtship would begin to spill out of the Victorian parlors where they had once occurred and into the streets.
The most extreme example of this dialectical and somewhat counterintuitive relation between public space and the experience of privacy is undoubtedly the culture of cruising and public sex that emerged among homosexual men during the late nineteenth and early twentieth centuries in most American cities. In many ways, though, the now familiar and wholly normative ritual of heterosexual dating was also an outgrowth of these same developments in the structure of American urban life.
Of course this is not to suggest that dating should be understood only as a solution of last resort to the romantic problems inherent to urban overpopulation. For even if American cities had not become so densely populated that cramped apartments no longer provided sufficient space for romance, it seems highly unlikely that urban youth culture, including the culture of courtship among the unmarried, would have remained indoor activities for very long.
During the early twentieth century, especially, urban spaces teemed with alluring commercial venues offering inexpensive services and various forms of cheap amusement.
To many city dwellers, including younger unmarried city dwellers, these attractions of modern urban life were simply too irresistible to ignore. Unlike calling, dating provided an excellent reason to go out and experience everything the city had to offer. Among men the shift toward dating in the modern sense was regarded with some ambivalence, at least initially. While many middle-class men were happy to be able to avoid the hours of highly stylized social ritual that had played such an important function in the system of calling, they were also often surprised and overwhelmed by the added expense that dating entailed.
Of course even in the culture American men were Grove to explore and exploit the many benefits that came along with courting in public and being out of their parents' line of sight. Chief among these pricey benefits was the opportunity to press the limits of premarital sexual experimentation. For their part, many working-class men were simply happy to have the opportunity to compete for a woman's affection at all.
Under the calling system many would simply never have made it through the front door. In dating, however, men of working-class or men who came from less than desirable families had an improved chance of meeting a desirable dating and earning her love and devotion before confronting anxious and judgmental parents, many of culture continued to exert pressure on their daughters to marry up to whatever extent they could.
Whereas men benefited in some ways in the shift from calling to dating, it was arguably women—particularly working-class women—who benefited the most. As historian Kathy Peiss has shown, working women in cities such as New York used the highly Grove protocols associated with dating in order to expand their ability to participate in America's burgeoning consumer culture. Rather than wasting their own paltry wages on dinners out and admission tickets, many working women chose to spend their limited financial resources on cosmetics, fashionable clothes, delicate lingerie, and other items that might make them more attractive to men.
In so doing they were effectively investing their money in the hopes that an attractive new skirt or coveted pair of nylons would yield a profit, both figurative and literal. As many working women correctly calculated, the value of a night out on dating town with a particularly well-heeled and generous date could be considerably higher in terms of both fun and dollars than simply staying in or paying one's own way.
The other major development that contributed to the emergence of dating was the arrival of the automobile. As a cause for dating's victory over calling, the automobile's ificance has probably been somewhat exaggerated. For in point of fact the shift from calling to dating was already well under way by the time Henry Ford 's manufacturing revolution managed to park a car in every American driveway.
Nevertheless, automobiles did play an increasingly important role in the practice of American courtship as the twentieth century progressed. Precisely because the automobile splits a certain kind of conceptual difference between the privacy of the home and the publicness of the street, it very quickly became a refuge of sorts for young people seeking a place to go where they might enjoy some modicum of privacy in public.
Ironically, the place that many found to be most convenient in this regard was actually the backseat of a car.
In rural and suburban areas, especially, the fact that cars were also legitimate modes of conveyance had the added benefit of expanding the size of the territory in which Americans might seek romantic partners. But where this history of dating is concerned, the importance of automobiles in motion actually pales in some respects when compared to the importance of automobiles at rest, or when parked, as couples would often seek out secluded areas in their automobiles for the purpose of furtive lovemaking.
As American youth gained increased independence from their parents and as nineteenth-century traditions of formal courtship and socially mandated chaperonage began to erode, new variations on dating emerged. In many cases these variations preserved particular aspects of nineteenth-century courtship, which had been useful to someone in one sense or another.
For example, by the mid-twentieth century nervous parents had grown especially fond of the institution of double dating because it satisfied their children's desire for social independence, while simultaneously preserving some aspects of chaperonage.
As Beth Bailey points out, "Petting and necking would still go on, but weren't as likely to get out of hand with another couple sitting in the front seat" Baileyp. Similarly, blind dating—a practice in which individuals allowed family members or friends to set them up on dates with people whom they had never met—preserved some aspects of traditional matchmaking, while simultaneously jettisoning the idea that it was appropriate for the facilitating third party to be involved in the affair beyond making initial introductions.
In any case, whether it was done in groups or in pairs, by acquaintances or virtual strangers, the ritual of dating continued to be governed throughout most of the twentieth century by a of largely unspoken social and cultural culture, the most notable and consistent of which was the generally accepted belief that it was both normal and appropriate for men to both initiate dates and pay for them. Interestingly, and somewhat ironically, it was this highly gendered convention regarding the propriety of who should ask and who should pay within the context Grove modern courtship that ultimately transformed the terms date and dating into extremely useful euphemisms within the professional argot of prostitutes and other sex workers in the United States.
In the early s the word date is routinely used to describe a paid sexual asation in the language of American sexual commerce; similarly, the term dating is often used to describe an ongoing business relationship between a sex worker and a particular client. Indeed, dating because it is still so widely accepted that men should demonstrate their social and economic privilege by paying for dates with women, and precisely because it is implicitly accepted that a date may end up leading to a sexual encounter, the choice that many sex workers make to refer to themselves as escorts and to their work as professional dating is both understandable and rather ingenious.
Among other things, it exploits both the logic and language of social and cultural traditionalism where the gendered etiquette of courtship is concerned for the express purpose of blurring further the already rather blurry line that separates dating—that most venerable of all American traditions—from prostitution. Of course as American traditions go, prostitution and other forms of sex work are as old as the hills—far older, in fact, than dating itself. Still, it is in many ways telling that most modern Americans consider dating and prostitution to be two radically different things despite the fact that both institutions in their most recognizably traditional forms essentially involve men compensating women, whether in cash or kind, for their otherwise categorically undervalued affective and sexual labor.
The practice of dating has been further transformed in the twenty-first century as a result of ificant shifts in the social and economic order of American culture.